I remember when Kaitlin told me to never call her again. Kaitlin was a woman I loved.  After 4 years of contact she told me she had enough. I remember dreams of meeting her again. This was after the last time she told me not to call her. 2 years prior. That was after I told her not to call me. Long story…

 

I remember the last time I spoke to Kaitlin. She said, “don’t call me again.” I remember knowing she was serious.  It would be the last time my universe would collide with hers. Our time in this world had come to an end. I remember the feeling in my stomach. The feeling like, "what do I do now?' I remember the inflection in her voice when she said, "We just don't work together. I trigger something in you." I remember crying hysterically when she said it because I knew she was right. I remember being confused and asking myself, "Why and what is it that's being triggered? Why does the woman I love make me feel on edge all the time?"

 

20 years later, I can finally explain.

 

Our strengths are simultaneously our greatest weaknesses. For me I'm over analytical. I always need an answer. This trait kept me alive for a long time. Kept me safe. Kept me incredibly intuitive. Hyper aware. Funny. I remember I could walk up to just about any group of people in high school and know exactly what to say to make them all laugh. If I didn't, I would become scared, and avoid that potential interaction. I developed this as a defense mechanism because I hated who I was.

 

Now, to clarify, I did not hate myself. I do not hate myself. I’m usually not afraid or ashamed of who I am. It’s that… I know you won’t understand me. Because of that you will not like me. Rarely have people stayed for an explanation. Insight into who I really am. A goofy, stupid, weird kid. Someone who loves laughing at animals and eating lots of cake. A kid that loves hugs and feels relieved after he cries. A kid that wants to fall in love with someone the way he fell in love with the stars he saw while living overseas. But I find it incredibly difficult to talk to most people, and it stems from knowing I don’t fit in.

 

Feeling out of place was exacerbated growing up with a family that was not biological. We acted, talked and looked different. I constantly felt like I was in someone else’s home. I was. I was adopted.

 

The feeling that I was not one of the flock and that most people did not understand me was speculative. I had never met most people. But that pervasive thought was now a schema through which I saw the entire world.  Even outside of my family.  Outside of the home I sometimes felt a guest.  I felt alone. I felt as if though I was meant to wander. I remember thinking that I would never stop searching for someone who makes me feel like I’m just like everyone else. A regular guy.

 

The anxiety I felt when I was around others was interpreted as arrogance, or stupidity, based on how lucky I was that day.  To many, my insecurities were annoying. I was creating a reality I feared, by being afraid of that reality. I created the evidence needed to justify anomie. I began to believe that people did not like me. That they will not like me. 

 

“Keep your guard up, Stu. They may attack you. Even your friends may attack you! Watch them closely!” 

 

My life has since been riddled with instances entailing all my friends essentially telling me, they’re no longer my friends.

 

I remembered what it was like, to hear their hurtful comments. To feel their hands on me. I remember their apathy. Their complete disregard for my feelings. I remember their grins as gnashing teeth. The timbre in their voices as they shared their resentments toward me, to each other.  I remember what happened to me the first time I fought back. I was attacked by the much older brother of the friend I was defending myself against. I can remember looking back at my nanny, who was with me at the time. My mother and father were not there, again. I remember my nanny's face, and she looked hurt. Concerned. 

 

Helpless.

 

Then I moved away.  

 

I moved to an entirely different continent and the phenomena of being ridiculed by my friends began occurring, again. Repeatedly.

 

I remember my new American friends stealing my bike. I remember walking all the way back home with my helmet on, to tell my mom where my bike was.  I remember her rage. I remember feeling like a failure. I remember going to get my bike with her and thinking that I wouldn’t be able to hang out with my friends anymore because I was a snitch.

 

I remember what it was like freshman year of high school. to be told to keep lookout while my friend was beaten by senior and junior classmates. I remember thinking that I wouldn't really keep watch. I remember thinking I'll signal for help. I remember thinking that I was wrong for not doing anything. I remember feeling like a coward. Feeling small. Always, so small. I remember being told, "that's just what happens to freshmen." I remember wanting to stay on the bus to that high school. Praying the ride would take longer than usual. I remember the other kids laughing. The other guys kissing girls. The girls talking with one another, while looking at me and making faces. I remember feeling alone. The sickness of uncertainty. The longing for an identity.

 

I remember wanting to smile like them. Kiss girls like them. Have friends like them.

 

I remember all the things I had eaten and purged to keep on weight for wrestling.  I remember thinking that if I could change my body, I could change the way people felt about me. I remember winning. I remember thinking, girls might like me now. I remember finally meeting that special girl in high school and falling in love. I remember asking if she would be my girlfriend.

 

I remember thinking she would say, “no.” I remember preparing to say, "Sorry for asking.;" I remember her telling me she had to consider my height. I remember her saying, "OK." I remember not knowing why she said, “Yes.” I remember sharing my stories with her. Feeling like she really cared.  Feeling like she really enjoyed getting to know me. I remember always thinking, "Why? Why is she still here?”

 

I remember her wanting to make love to me. I remember being overwhelmed. I remember not knowing how. I remember after. That feeling, like she was my world. My first. I remember her realizing that as well. I remember thinking things couldn't get any better. I was one of the guys…

 

I remember, the eating disorder taking over, and my life changing forever. I remember being woken up at 4am to be taken away from my terrible high school. I remember being told, "these men," will take you to boarding school. I remember thinking of my girlfriend and regretting all the times I was mean to her. I remember making her feel bad, on purpose, so that I felt some kind of control. Some kind of power. As I was placed in handcuffs, I remember asking myself, 'Will I ever see you again? Stephanie.” I remember thinking, “Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye, again.”

 

I remember sighing. Thank god. It’s over.

 

I remember arriving to northern Idaho later that day. I remember there was snow, everywhere. I remember the Tee Pee's and realizing this is where I would sleep. I remember thinking, “This will all be over before you know it.” I remember Stephanie’s, “Dear John,” letter.  I remember Stephanie explaining in writing that I was not a simple problem she could fix. I remember, knowing she was right. I remember thinking, “Stephanie was always out of reach... she was someone a guy like me would miss out on.” I remember wondering if I’d ever meet her again.

 

You told me you’d always remember me. Stephanie. Do you still remember me?

 

 

Then I remembered thinking, I must survive this place. I must learn to fight. 

 

I must fight.

I did.

I learned to fight.

 

I remember staff saying things like, “-40 degrees with windchill.” I remember hearing stories of the Ruby Ridge. I remember seeing a bald eagle. I remember hiking, with too much gear. I remember wanting to quit. I remember leaving that bootcamp and finally heading to boarding school.

 

I remember, this is where I met Kaitlin.  The reason I joined the Army. The reason I wanted to feel nothing.  The reason for this story.

 

The reason I remember.

 

I remember I fell in love, very quickly. 

 

I remember Kaitlin struggling with the same eating disorder I had. She would cry at some of the stories I shared. I remember I would cry too. I would constantly say, “that also happened to me!”

 

I remembered what it was like to be understood.

 

I remember holding Kaitlin. I remember her frame. Her shoulders were so much smaller than mine. Her arms were like beautiful soft slender birchwood branches of a tree, and I would climb into her. I remember her saying, "I love you." I remember my heart exploding with joy and my mind overflowing with disbelief. I remember being astonished. I remember knowing, everything from here on out would be different.

 

I remember not being able to respond, “I love you, too.”  I remember saying, "I'm saving mine." My, “I love you.” I immediately started to think about what it would be like to graduate CEDU, my boarding school in a few months. I remember thinking, she will stay. I will leave. Again. I’ll lose her. Again. I was never sure I would find her, again. Now, I’m, leaving her to the same mechanism that brought us together.  Fate.

 

I remember thinking, “How does this keep happening to me?”

 

I remember thinking I should be the bigger person and let her go. I shouldn't make her wait. Let her have a date for prom. Let her live her life. I remember the goodbye letter she wrote me. I remember only parts of the poem. I remember,

 

“Now anytime you hear the word monkey it’s like a stab in the heart because that’s what she called you the summer you fell in love.”

 

I remember the physical pain in my chest after reading that. I remember thinking it would be too hard to hear from Kaitlin. It would be easier to stay away.   

 

I remember Henry walking away to deliver a letter I had written to Kaitlin. A letter saying, “Do not call me.” It was written on the back of a picture. A picture of a van that drove me all over Israel 2 years ago during the summer.  A completely insignificant picture.  As if to say, “this is an insignificant act.” I remember feeling awful.  I remember leaving you at boarding school.  Forever. 

 

I remember saying to myself, “I wish I hadn’t said, this will all be over before you know it.”

 

I remember the physical heart ache and being hunched over in agony. Crying. I remember my mother looking at me while I begged her to figure out how I could talk to Kaitlin. She looked on helplessly, with this expression. I’ll never forget how many times I’d seen that expression.

 

That look like, “There is nothing I can do to cure my son.”

I remember asking God to send me back to the beginning. Send me back regardless of the pain I would have to endure all over again. This time I would be brave enough to be vulnerable. Dare and dream.  I would remember the way. The right way. And I would be with her forever.

 

I remember wanting to tell Kailin, “I don’t know what happens to me when I’m around you, but I’m sorry.” I remember I could barely breathe I was sobbing so much. I remember there was no one to talk to.   

 

I remember moving away to Boston for college.  I remember starting to fail. I remember starting to fail like I did in high school.  When I had the eating disorder.  I remember nobody seemed to understand me. I was alone.

 

I remember dropping out of a great school in Boston.

 

I remember just wanting to breathe for a minute. I remember my parents deciding not to take me back in the house. I remember they were very angry with their investment.

 

I remember looking at schools.  Schools where people who didn’t do well at my high school went after similarly poor performances. I remember I decided I would rather stay on the streets or join the military than put myself through another, “therapeutic” school.  I remember I was totally shattered. I remember thinking about being someone Kaitlin could respect. I remember asking to join the military.

 

I remember my recruiter telling me that I was acting funny.  I remember the recruiter calling my parents. I remember my parents telling the army recruiters that I was sick and shouldn’t be able to join.

 

I remember I was going to have to live on the streets. I remember it being too cold to sleep.

 

I remember laying on the ground, homeless. I remember laying there, looking up at the sky, feet hurting from the cold, and remembering my mother telling me I ruined her marriage. I remember my parents hated me. I remember why they hated me. I remember thinking they were right to hate me. I remember all the terrible things I had done to them. Constantly. I remembered everything, every night.  While it was cold. While I cried. While I tried to remember how to do something other than feel sorry for myself. I remember deciding I’ll just go to jail for some petty crime since the police station told me there was nothing they could do to help but arrest me later. I remember stealing a bag of chips. I remember no one stopped me. I remember eating a little bit. I remember my thoughts turning from anger into despair. I remember wanting to go home.

 

I remember walking along the road in southern Califronia with my thumb out. I remember it took two days to get up north. I remember the guy who drove me most of the way being pretty eccentric. I remember he didn’t understand what I was trying to explain about the social contract. I remember realizing he would be one of those guys that doesn’t get it. I remember, my mom had called my friends and told them not to help me, as a way of forcing me into choosing a program. I remember one of the three friends I still had from my scattered past, agreeing to take me in.

With no real way of making it work on my own, with no license, no income, no ambition, no vehicle, in rural America, I moved on. I went back to Southern California and faced the truth.

 

I would need to find a way to fight.

 

Even if it was deemed illicit. I would need to drag myself from this hell, upward, toward mobility. At any cost. For me. For Kaitlin. 

 

I remember the poverty I saw. I remember an entire county of people with no voice. A network of poverty.  A cycle of poverty.  A pattern. A habit. I remember catching a few habits. I remember anything to keep my mind off the conversation I had with you, Kaitlin. I remember, my mother agreed to help me find Kaitlin’s number.  

 

I remember Kaitlin told me she was with Henry now. I remembered Henry. I remembered him walking away to give you that letter that said, “Please don’t call me.”:  I remember being on the phone with Kaitlin. I remember trying to convince Kaitlin to be with me. Long distance. While I lived in a group home in San Bernardino and she finished high school.

 

I remember not being very bright.

 

I remember you said, “no.” I remember you told me not to call you, ever again. I remember dreaming of a mutual friend we had telling me it was ok to call you again. I remember thinking of being back in your arms and finally kissing you. I remembered wondering what it would be like to kiss you.  I remember thinking, “I’ve never even kissed you, Kaitlin.”

 

I remember being accepted into San Francisco State University. I remember figuring out how to use the bus. How to hustle. How to steal. I remembered how to find those weaker than me. I learned to shut my mouth. I learned that it was better to stay hidden while establishing your rapport. Rather than letting yourself be known as a stranger and becoming a mark. I remember learning that many are sympathetic, but can’t help. Most won’t help. I remember learning to be ok with being alone.  I remember leaving southern California and discovering one of the most beautiful cities I had seen. San Francisco. I remember making friends. I remember being a little older. I remember having an edge. I remember things were looking much different. I remember I was popular. I remember throwing parties. I remember going on trips.  I remember feeling like I was becoming one of the guys.

 

I remember talking to people that I thought would not want to talk with me. I remember they were not mean spirited. They were not out to get me. I remember thinking that maybe I was wrong. Maybe all of us were here to enjoy each other’s company. Maybe it was all a dream. Then, a dream came true. And a nightmare was realized.

 

My friend. The one I would have dreams about.  The guy who in my dreams reunites me with Kaitlin. The friend who I had dreamed would wake me up while sleeping and tell me, “Kaitlin wants to talk to you.” That friend, called me. He had a message.

 

Kaitlin wanted to apologize. Kaitlin wanted to talk to me.

 

I remember learning that you and Henry were no longer an item. I remember thinking it might make you jealous if I had a lover.  I was still unable to meet anyone that really understood me deeply. I remember being someone, most couldn’t relate with. I remember looking different. I remember women spending time with me, only to become very frightened. I remember they all left. Some remained friends. But, they all left. Moved on. I felt like I would very much die alone, in the corner of some cold stone castle. Built in a rural forgotten area where people only visit for fuel on long trips. Trips to somewhere better. 

 

I never thought I would see you again. Kaitlin.

 

I remember thinking, I’d do things right this time. I remember it ended more tragically than before.

 

I remember you standing in my door way and smiling. I remember smiling too. I remember I held you. I remember I tried to cue certain music when you walked in. I remember being nervous. I remember never feeling relaxed enough to talk to you. Unless I was really intoxicated. I remember looking at you and thinking to myself, “How could God have made something so special? So perfect. So close to me. In the infinite space that is the universe, how could it be that I found you? Kaitlin? And I love you, and you love me. And we stand on a beach. In each other’s arms, waiting to melt into one another and become oblivion.”

 

I just remembered; it was raining that night. I don’t remember it being cold. I remember it being perfect.

 

I remember wanting to scream in disbelief. I remember thinking everything I knew about the world must be wrong. This woman. This perfect creature.  She looks at me and cries out, “I love you! I want you!” And with every ounce of energy I cry out, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone or anything and I wish I could experience forever so that now would never end!” It was perfect. Life was perfect.

 

Kissing you for the first time in my life was perfect.

 

I remember, life was perfect. With Kaitlin.

 

Then I remember you saying you wanted to distance yourself. Not be in any relationships. I remember pretending that was ok. I remember feeling very jealous. I remember you started talking to Henry again. I remember I was confused. Hurt. Longing. Alone. I remembered thinking you were slipping away.

 

I remember, seeing you made me remember all those times I was told by someone like you, that they weren’t interested. I remember when I held you in my arms and you said, “I love you.” It was the antidote for doubt.  The proof I needed to convince myself that the world could be a perfect place.  A place with friends. I remember thinking I can really make friends. I remember thinking, this is why everyone on the bus was smiling. This is what it was like to be one of the guys kissing the girls. This is what it’s like to be normal. This is what it’s like.

 

Your beauty was so beyond my ability to embrace that I could barely look at you for more than a second.  Sometimes looking into your eyes made me burst into tears.  One smile from your direction and it was apparent.  Regardless of what I’ve seen and where I’ve lived, I hadn’t seen true beauty. I remember thinking, you looked beautiful. Really beautiful. So different than the pain I had endured for as long as I can remember.

 

That’s what you triggered inside me.

 

That’s what was wrong.

 

That’s why I couldn’t help but cry when I sat and talked with you. When I saw you, I saw a possibility so beautiful it contradicted everything I’d ever known to be true. That the universe is without a doubt the most incredible experience. I had physical evidence that all those people who looked like Kaitlin. People who were successful and talented. People that were pretty and powerful. People who I admired, could also admire me.  That true love did exist. Beyond reason. Beyond Explanation. Beyond everything we’ve experienced.  I remember thinking, “How could I afford to lose this?” 

 

Knowing you loved me was the reason I could never fully love you back. Why I never trusted you enough to totally be myself.  Every moment with you was another chance you might disappear. Again.  I could never relax because I knew, at any moment our time together could come to an end. 

 

I remember I loved you more than breathing. It was a feeling I felt everywhere. I remember being with you felt so good I couldn’t think of anything else.  You soothed me because I had been tortured. But that torture convinced me I was not worthy of someone like you. I remember thinking for a guy like me, love like this is a problem. I remember thinking that because in my experience, everyone leaves. I remember them. Always leaving.    

 

Everything that led me to Kaitlin made it impossible to embrace her completely. I remember I felt unlucky.

 

I remember wanting to forget.

 

I remember being hospitalized for attempted suicide. I remember it had something to do with you, Kaitlin.  All I remember was playing the song I wanted to cue while you walked in my apartment and found me. 

 

I remember cutting deep enough to see something I didn’t recognize.

I remember needing stitches.

I remember it left a scar. 

 

I remember thinking, now I can’t forget.

 

I remember you figuring it out, Kaitlin. That I had tried to kill myself.

I remember asking you not to call me anymore. That I was confused and in a lot of pain. That I didn’t know why.

 

I remember you said, I broke your heart.

 

I remember trying to make sense of school. Myself. My goals. Life. I remember thinking it was time to do something different. So I did. I found a girlfriend. Started doing well in school. Started trying in my classes. Sobered up. I remember thinking, “Kaitlin would fall in love with this Stu.”

 

I remember calling her at 9,2,5,4,0... I remembered her number.

 

That’s when it happened.

 

I remember something was gone from your voice. You were no longer saving face. You were no longer, playing along. Everything I said was stupid. Fell flat. You hung up on me. I called you back, but there was nothing to say.

 

I’ll always remember that.

 

I understand that you had to go away. I was abusive. Emotionally. I’m sorry. I remember knowing I would fuck this up. I remember thinking how stupid I was for thinking I would be one of the guys. I never wanted to feel anything again.

 

I joined the Marines. Was thrown out. Used drugs. Woke up. Blacked out and woke bloodied. Lost teeth. Lost everything. Again, and again. I don’t remember how. I don’t remember weeks. I remember thinking that I never again want to remember. Any of it. I never again wanted to wake up and look over to an area of the bed I prayed you’d be sleeping. An area of the bed I once held you. All night. When life was perfect.

 

I hope someone somewhere reads this and remembers someone like me. Remembers that they might have been doing their best.  Maybe they’ll think life’s too short to throw away anything special. Before you know it, it will all be over.

 

A part of me hopes Kaitlin does read this. So I can say;

 

“I remember how terrible I was to you. I was never able to be myself. I was always trying to impress you and that made my actions confusing and ingenuous. I thought you would think I was stupid. That’s not fair. You’re a good person and I convinced myself someone, ‘like you,’ would never want, ‘someone like me.’ That’s pejorative. I tried to control you because I was scared you would leave. Which is why you left.  I remember why you left. I know why you left. Again. You showed me the world can be perfect, while simultaneously explaining to me that it’s entirely out of my control, and it’s ultimately up to fate. I couldn’t accept that, back then. I’m sorry.”

 

I’ll always remember you, Kaitlin. You’re someone I looked up to.

 

I’ll never forget you Stephanie. You are someone I still emulate.

 

I’ll find you both, again. In someone else.

 

The right way.

 

Love always,

Stu